How to screw up exams

Disclaimer: All the following steps are guidelines from a reliable expert (myself) based on the empirical laws on 'Screwing up examinations'. Hence, follow all the steps carefully so as to get the intended result. And the post is not recommended for students who appear for board exams/IIT entrance/other do-or-die exams (that you anyways die on doing these is another matter). Anyhow, let me cut short the lengthy disclaimer and move on.

Step 1: Be the grasshopper

I'm sure you would've heard the story of 'The Ant and the grasshopper' (assuming that you paid attention during class at least till third grade). Of course, you needn't do that now. In fact you shouldn't do that now, in order to get the promised results. If not sing and dance like the grasshopper did, at least do something in class, like, doodling, doping dozing, etc. (Check out this link if you run out of tips). You will hear two voices in your mind: one that says 'I will start studying... from tomorrow' and another one which says... well, don't bother about it, listen to the first one always. Let it be your oath everyday. This is the first and the most important guideline that will lead you to the success of failing in exams. Prepare a timetable. Stick it on your wall so that you will see it everyday. Yeah, keep seeing it everyday.

Step 2: Last Bencherz Rockzz

The ultimate coolest place that a class can have is the last bench. Form an (anti) establishment called Last Bench Association or Legends of Last Bench or something and try being a key-member of it. It should be instrumental in disrupting the flow of the teacher who's either reading from a ten-year old power-point or some hurriedly prepared notes from the library before coming to the class. By doing this, you would ensure that other not-so-daring classmates in the middle row get a momentary relief from the monotonous lecture and the teacher gets irritated enough to abandon any thoughts of granting you grace marks that might just take you to the shore.Of course, there are people who come up with inspirational Abdul Kalam quotes like 'First bench students are intelligent only until last bench students participate in the competition'. True. But those are the rare ones like Abdul Kalam, who allegedly was a last bencher and turned out to be a rocket-scientist making the last-bench community proud. The majority, however, takes pride in launching paper-rockets periodically (one period after another).

Step 3: Belief
When you have hundreds of equations or ten voluminous lessons to cover within half-a-day (minus two hours for eating; eight hours for sleeping and one hour for 'hey-you-studied-for-tomorrow' phone calls to all your friends) and your favourite movie's playing on TV, just BELIEVE that you can burn the midnight oil. And when you feel drowsy during midnight, just BELIEVE that you'll wake up early morning and when the alarm goes mysteriously silent in early morning, just BELIEVE that you'll read it on your way to college/school. Do not give it up until you reach the exam hall.

Perfect!

Step 4: T20
Finally after all that struggle in the town-bus (or all that snuggle in the college/school-bus) you reach the college/school. Now, go straight to the nerdiest guy of the class (the one who probably cries on missing out two marks out of hundred) and ask him the 'important questions'. You will now have twenty pages to study in twenty minutes. Can you do it? Of course, you can. Never mind the fact that you couldn't study two pages for the past twenty hours.  Just keep going. Miracles can happen. Or, like in most cases, the bell rings.

Step 5: Trust the right one... and the one on the left
For some reason, the friend (most probably the female ones) who says 'don't know a single word' seems more amicable than the one (most probably the male ones) who says 'it's nothing, dude' during exams. Well, trust the former, for they are the ones who'll probably sit right next to you and write like stenographers in Supreme Court while you sit and seek for that non-existent help like a third-world suspect there. Now you turn your head towards the left side to find your overconfident male friend staring at the walls like you do. Your logical mind tells you that he's bad in studies and doesn't know a thing. But your illogical part tells you that you're very bad in studies and maybe he studied something today. It is in times like this you should make the right choice. Yeah, you know what to do. Play dumb-charades and write whatever he said or whatever you interpreted from his Barathanatyam signs. There ends your last threat of passing. You might pass even if you get caught for copying (by having re-exam and all) but writing what he says spells certain doom.

Passing an exam involves only one factor: Mugging hard. But failing is a complex process and involves a lot of things as this article may suggest. It's not as easy as it may seem to be. ALL THE BEST.