Before I begin, let me assure you that this article has nothing to do
with the ‘maybe upcoming’ Jason Statham movie. Also, the title is
purely for alliteration’s sake because I’ve very limited knowledge about
how buses across Tamil Nadu works and this piece is just a take on my
adventures at the corporation buses of Coimbatore. With that we shall
now take on the journey of our lifetime (and make sure you’ve
got the exact change for the tickets because asking for change from the
bus-conductor is like asking your girlfriend’s dad for his daughter).
The Preparation
The preparation before you board the bus has to be more meticulous than a NASA astronaut’s homework before he takes on a Lunar Space Mission. The first step is to make sure that your sprinting skills are up to the mark as the bus-driver never stops at the bus-stop during peak hours. So, try hiring Usain Bolt as your coach and train harder everyday so that one day you’ll finally succeed.
Moving on to the security issues; it is said that the pick-pockets here can break into the vaults of Swiss banks or even Gringotts (refer: Harry Potter)-all they need is a 7’o clock blade- but these men are very much rooted to their culture that they operate only in crowded buses. Thus, make sure you wear a pickpocket-proof costume (the Transformers suit might help).
It was alleged that David Beckham’s legs were insured for more than70 million dollars. I admit that it is pretty hard to get that much amount but at least insure it for 70 ‘murugan’ dollars as you would get at least something in compensation because infinite number of people can stomp you on your epic-voyage. And the worst part is they give you a dirty look after they stamp your foot.
Also, do not forget to spray as much deodorant as you can. Trust me, you’ll need it.
Ways of wisdom
As I say once again, this ‘journey’ would teach you lots of things that you’ll ever learn in your entire lifetime. For instance, it teaches you to deal with paradoxical situations: You find stray dogs snoozing under the shade of the bus-stop while you’ll have to get sun-burnt. It’s one of the unwritten ‘laws of nature’-deal with it.
Next, it is very important to be “aware”. Yes, you must always be aware all the time or else: you may get into a bus which has a “4” sticker on its front glass (yeah, over here each bus is assigned a number according to its route) and halfway through you ask the conductor for the ticket and he’ll coolly reply that the bus doesn’t go to your intended destination; when you retort “Why?”, he, once again, will coolly point at the rear glass which has a “11” sticker on it and “11” doesn’t take you to your destination. At this point you have two options- 1) Yell at the conductor and get back to the bus-stop 2) Shut up and get back to the bus-stop (Note: Choosing option (1) would result in learning new ‘tabooed’ Tamil). So, get back and have a seat in the bus-stop shade (Stray dogs don’t stay there all the time; sometimes they get bored and go for a stroll).
Every CTC (Coimbatore Transport Corporation) bus is like a high-profile Kollywood movie-it never arrives on the scheduled time. So, lesson #3: ‘Patience is virtue’.
The Transporter
And finally, like an unexpected hurricane, it arrives… and how? With people thronging to it as if that is the last bus before the apocalypse. Now do not contemplate on whether to take the ride or not- just go for it because even time and tide may wait for you but crowded Coimbatore buses don’t. Polaam right. (Er… that is the substitute for ‘Bon voyage’).
Don’t worry about the fact that you get to travel on a foot-board; instead feel proud because you’re now a ‘cool’ person (travelling in foot-board is deemed to be ‘cool’ by the Tamil Nadu Youth Fraternity). The other advantage you have in ‘footboard travel’ is that you can easily skip from buying tickets-don’t let your conscience prick you as traveling ‘without’ tickets are also deemed to be ‘cool’ by TNYF. (Note: The writer and TNYF is not responsible if you get caught by the Checking Inspector as getting caught is ‘uncool’).
If you were pretty good in your seventh standard physics, you’d probably notice that the bus is a scientific marvel-it can hold over ten times its passenger threshold. Also, the bus moves in a ‘tilted’ manner that it puts the ‘Leaning tower of Pisa’ to shame.
If
you happen to get a place to stand ‘inside’ the bus then you get the
chance to know the internal politics of the bus. The 'parliament'
consists of ‘The sitting people’ and ‘The standing people’ (of course,
it has special reservations for women and the physically challenged).
Like how the opposition parties burden the ruling party in our
government; ‘The standing people’ burden ‘The sitting people’… quite
literally-they thrust objects ranging from a 200g Newspaper to a 20 kilo
schoolbag. This often leads to conflicts which are settled by the
conductor, who is the supreme authority.
Now with understanding all the History, Constitution, Science and Political Science of this wonderful vehicle you’re now ready to get down which requires tremendous skills of agility and extraordinary reflexes, as people from both the ends (the ones who get in to the bus and the ones who get out) collide like the battle scene from Troy.
After you fight your way out of the bus you hear the words once again: Polaam right.
Post Script: Your patience is really appreciated by the writer if you’re still reading this article and would like you to show some more endurance as he would like to make some significant points:
The Preparation
The preparation before you board the bus has to be more meticulous than a NASA astronaut’s homework before he takes on a Lunar Space Mission. The first step is to make sure that your sprinting skills are up to the mark as the bus-driver never stops at the bus-stop during peak hours. So, try hiring Usain Bolt as your coach and train harder everyday so that one day you’ll finally succeed.
Moving on to the security issues; it is said that the pick-pockets here can break into the vaults of Swiss banks or even Gringotts (refer: Harry Potter)-all they need is a 7’o clock blade- but these men are very much rooted to their culture that they operate only in crowded buses. Thus, make sure you wear a pickpocket-proof costume (the Transformers suit might help).
It was alleged that David Beckham’s legs were insured for more than70 million dollars. I admit that it is pretty hard to get that much amount but at least insure it for 70 ‘murugan’ dollars as you would get at least something in compensation because infinite number of people can stomp you on your epic-voyage. And the worst part is they give you a dirty look after they stamp your foot.
Also, do not forget to spray as much deodorant as you can. Trust me, you’ll need it.
Ways of wisdom
As I say once again, this ‘journey’ would teach you lots of things that you’ll ever learn in your entire lifetime. For instance, it teaches you to deal with paradoxical situations: You find stray dogs snoozing under the shade of the bus-stop while you’ll have to get sun-burnt. It’s one of the unwritten ‘laws of nature’-deal with it.
Next, it is very important to be “aware”. Yes, you must always be aware all the time or else: you may get into a bus which has a “4” sticker on its front glass (yeah, over here each bus is assigned a number according to its route) and halfway through you ask the conductor for the ticket and he’ll coolly reply that the bus doesn’t go to your intended destination; when you retort “Why?”, he, once again, will coolly point at the rear glass which has a “11” sticker on it and “11” doesn’t take you to your destination. At this point you have two options- 1) Yell at the conductor and get back to the bus-stop 2) Shut up and get back to the bus-stop (Note: Choosing option (1) would result in learning new ‘tabooed’ Tamil). So, get back and have a seat in the bus-stop shade (Stray dogs don’t stay there all the time; sometimes they get bored and go for a stroll).
Every CTC (Coimbatore Transport Corporation) bus is like a high-profile Kollywood movie-it never arrives on the scheduled time. So, lesson #3: ‘Patience is virtue’.
The Transporter
And finally, like an unexpected hurricane, it arrives… and how? With people thronging to it as if that is the last bus before the apocalypse. Now do not contemplate on whether to take the ride or not- just go for it because even time and tide may wait for you but crowded Coimbatore buses don’t. Polaam right. (Er… that is the substitute for ‘Bon voyage’).
Don’t worry about the fact that you get to travel on a foot-board; instead feel proud because you’re now a ‘cool’ person (travelling in foot-board is deemed to be ‘cool’ by the Tamil Nadu Youth Fraternity). The other advantage you have in ‘footboard travel’ is that you can easily skip from buying tickets-don’t let your conscience prick you as traveling ‘without’ tickets are also deemed to be ‘cool’ by TNYF. (Note: The writer and TNYF is not responsible if you get caught by the Checking Inspector as getting caught is ‘uncool’).
If you were pretty good in your seventh standard physics, you’d probably notice that the bus is a scientific marvel-it can hold over ten times its passenger threshold. Also, the bus moves in a ‘tilted’ manner that it puts the ‘Leaning tower of Pisa’ to shame.
 |
| Population explosion. "So what?" |
Now with understanding all the History, Constitution, Science and Political Science of this wonderful vehicle you’re now ready to get down which requires tremendous skills of agility and extraordinary reflexes, as people from both the ends (the ones who get in to the bus and the ones who get out) collide like the battle scene from Troy.
After you fight your way out of the bus you hear the words once again: Polaam right.
Post Script: Your patience is really appreciated by the writer if you’re still reading this article and would like you to show some more endurance as he would like to make some significant points:
- The writer has sometimes exaggerated certain points (90% of them are true, though) but that was largely due to his desperate means to show that he is funny.
- CTC, despite all its flaws, is a great way to travel because it has carried me for FREE (yeah, FREE-no conditions applied) during my school years and I owe a lot to it. So this article is dedicated to the wonderful vehicle and some not-so-wonderful people who travel in it.
“Polaam right”
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