3 Ideas to instill patriotism in our citizens

In a highly commendable move, the Madras High Court has ruled that Vande Maataram — the song that ignited our freedom movement, composed by… by… er… Rabindranath Tagore — must be played in schools and universities at least once a week.

Most of them received the news with great enthusiasm. When I informed 10-year-old Ganesh Seshadri, who lives in my neighbourhood, of the news, he immediately ran into his home, returned wearing an unbuttoned full-sleeved white shirt and white banyan and started yelling “MAA TUJHE SALAAM, MAMA TUJHE SALAAM”. When I tried telling him that he’s confusing the two Vande Maatarams, he incredulously asked me “Which is the other Vande Maataram?”

But, as usual, there were a few who, mostly on social media, disagreed with the honourable High Court’s ruling. To all those Misbah-ul-Haq-praising, Fawad Khan-loving, Pakistan Coke Studio-listening, Hina Rabbani Khar-staring, anti-national morons, I have only this to say: PODA, GO TO PAKISTAN AND EXPRESS YOUR FREEDOM AND JOIN TERRORIST ORGANISATIONS LIKE AL-QAEDA, LASHKAR-E-TAIBA OR MTV ROADIES.

Even though I wholeheartedly support High Court’s order to play Vande Maataram in schools and colleges and Supreme Court’s ruling to play the national anthem before movies, I feel we must do more to increase patriotism among our compatriots. If each of us can come up with three ideas — and the best 10 or 15 among them are implemented — then, India, as envisioned by our former President Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, will become the most developed nation (UNESCO-approved) in 2030 as shown in this video clip (from an upcoming James Cameron epic India: The Land of Everything).

Well, here’s my share of three ideas:

1. Wearing tri-colour body paint

Apart from that Sachin Tendulkar fan, who turns up for all India matches, painting himself in tri-colour, hardly any of us respect the national flag. If he takes pride in wearing the tri-colour to his work, shouldn’t we too? Ah, imagine what a sight it would be if our boardrooms, IT office cubicles, ICUs, factories, newsrooms, etc are full of people with tricolour body paint, screaming SACHIIIIN SACHIN, INQUILAB ZINDABAD (Malayalees: INQUILAB SINDHABAD)?

Yes, yes, some of these paints could be carcinogenic and all. So what? Cancer, according to a chapter in Bhagavada Purana, originated in India. It is an Indian disease. Which is why, the Westerners, with all their advanced science and technology and Morgan Freeman, aren't able to find an effective cure for it.

Have cancer and be proud of it.

2. Introducing ‘Patriotic Points’

Remember that awe-inspiring scene from Roja, where Arvind Swamy smothers the national flag to stop it from burning, with AR Rahman’s hair-rising tune playing in the background? We can recreate the same/similar situation in schools and colleges and workplaces and assign points for it.

In schools and colleges, for instance, students, on a termly basis, will be asked to roll over a burning flag (of course we won’t use our flag for this purpose; we can get the Pakistani national flag and paint tri-colour over it) or fight fellow students, who support Pakistan in India-Pakistan cricket matches, in a handicap wrestling match (the Pakistani supporter will be blindfolded, while the Indian fan will be provided with asledgehammerr, a steel chair and a machine gun) or do some similar activity. Successful accomplishment of these tasks will fetch them marks. This way, we can seamlessly mix patriotism with education.

As for people who work, the same type of activities will be used during their job interviews and appraisals.

3.  Ask SS Rajamouli to make Bal Narendra

Our country was full of national heroes. People like Mahatma Gandhi, Jawaharlal Nehru, Veerapandiya Kattabomman, and Bhuvan (from Lagaan) contributed heavily to our freedom movement. These leaders continue to inspire us through biopics made about them. Sadly, we have stopped making movies about our national leaders. It’s time to revive this trend by making a film about, who else, our Prime Minister.

I call upon SS Rajamouli, the director of the Baahubali series, to make a movie based on Bal Narendra, a comic about the PM’s childhood. In the opening scene, we can show an 10-year-old Narendra Modi fighting a man-eating crocodile, which the villagers call Brashtachaar, with just a teapot. After witnessing the spine-chilling combat with the crocodile, in which Narendra will emerge unscathed, a villager will exclaim, “Arey! Woh chaaiwala ne Brashtachaar ko maar diya”. And, that can be the cue for the opening song (“Mitron, sun mitron, tujhko kya darr hai re”)  to start.

P.S. You can post your ideas in the comments section. The author, an exemplary journalist, through his multiple high profile contacts, will get them across to the Prime Minister himself.

SACHIIIIN SACHIN BHARAT MATA KI JAI

How to make a super LinkedIn profile

Why do you need a LinkedIn profile?

As one of the most influential and well-renowned journalists in the 18th street of Nanganallur in Chennai, yours truly have had the opportunity of meeting people from all walks of life (from world famous stars like Sachin Tendulkar, AR Rahman, Virat Kohli, Tinu Yohannan to random people like flower sellers, roadside vendors and Tamil actor Srikanth). But, the one person who instantly came to mind while I was vigorously meditating on the topic of this article, is: Bero Roberts.

Roberts is a fine gentleman from Chetpet area, who breaks into houses at night, and, without causing any sort of disturbance to the occupants’ sleep (he uses chloroform or some other spray type things), he quietly breaks open their almirahs (colloquially known as ‘bero’), transfers the contents -- cash, jewelry, and occasionally, perfume bottles, linen shirts, and other miscellanea (condom packs, pen drives, half-eaten Lays (?)) -- to his gunny sack and leaves.

Roberts, among bero breakers in Chennai, is a legend. He has an almost-impeccable record in clean breakouts. In fact, till his last break-in, he had a 100 per cent record but it was the last one, which ended up with a battered cupboard door and a broken skull, of Mr. Laxman Chandrasekhar (Canara bank employee from Adambakkam) that made him what he is today (but brought down his record to the now-famous figure of 99.94 per cent). Because of the brutal murder, Roberts has grown in stature and is one of the top-10 rowdies in the city (as per the March rankings) and owns two auto-rickshaws, four cabs and an orthopaedics centre (Chandrasekhar Bone Works).

Dear readers, I can see your confused looks and hear your annoyed complaints. “What nonsense are you talking about instead of just telling us how to make a good LinkedIn profile?”

Readers, patience, patience… Patience is one of the key attributes to make a successful LinkedIn profile.

How many of you know Bero Roberts? Thousand? Hundred? Ten?

At least the five of you who’ve read this blog before?

No one?

See, despite being one of the most skilled rowdies in Chennai, none of you know him. This is why, in this age of social media and pointless 24-hour news channels, it is important to advertise your skills and career achievements.

Without more ado, here’s a comprehensive section-by-section explanation with examples (but without diagrams) of how to make your LinkedIn profile effective.

Profile Picture: Like a nonsense fellow, you shouldn’t put any photo you like as your display image. The other day, I came across a profile of an MBA graduate named Bobby Deora with Salman Khan’s picture. Boss, you want to climb the corporate ladder or walk the high court corridor for running over people with cars? So, images of actors and other celebrities (except Mohanlal and/or Rajinikanth) is a strict no-no. And, guys, don’t put pictures in which you’re wearing shades. You might look like James Bond. But that’s only in your mind. In reality, however, most of you will only look like second villains in Malayalam movies. Or Vijay Mallya.

Bio: Many of them will tell you to keep the bio short and simple. This is one of the most commonly committed flaws while creating a LinkedIn profile. A short bio, many think, is crisp. But, frankly speaking, it means you don’t have much to tell about yourself and it exposes your lack of confidence.

In your bio, you must be: forthright, honest, casual, extensive and assertive. In it, you must reveal the depth of your character, the duality of human nature and vagaries of existence.

For further understanding on what to write on your bio, kindly peruse the following link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJa2kwoZ2a4

Summary: If a bio must come from your heart, then a summary is a product of your brain. It must encapsulate your persona, work experience, knowledge, skills, interests, and career goals. Unfortunately, there aren’t any suitable Vennu Mallesh songs to explain what to write in a summary. So, I will discuss three examples, which, I hope will give you a good idea.

Example 1: I am a highly experienced candidate with a demonstrated history of working in the the most reputed organisations. I am thoroughly skilled in advanced computer applications like MS Word, MS Powerpoint, MS Excel, MS Paint, etc. With patience being my strongest suit, I am also obedient, disciplined and honest. Hiring me will add high value to your company.

.

.

.

Sorry, I fell asleep reading that.

The other day, when I went to my native village in Kerala, Kamalam ammamma was telling me about her difficulties in looking after her cows because of her old age and was contemplating on hiring someone to do the work. If your summary is like the aforementioned example, dear readers, then even Kamalam ammamma won’t hire you to look after her cows.

Don’t try to write your own summary without proper research. Read the summaries of the successful people in the world and get inspired from them.

Example 2: The founder and CEO of online retail Amazon.com. Co-chair of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. When I am not developing Facebook in Menlo Park, California, I love being with my wife (Priscilla Chan) and my dog (Beast).

https://barackobama.com/

When I said “get inspired by others”, I didn’t ask you to be like Anu Malik. Facepalm.

Example 3: Dr. MSG Insan had always been the most superior student of the school in education. He always remained the topper and monitor of class. Apart from studies, he remained a peerless sport person of myriad of games like wrestling, Volleyball, Badminton, and Cricket, besides Lawn Tennis. He played 32 national games and spearheaded the team of almost every sport as a captain.

Persona par Excellence

Dr. MSG Insan had a zeal, dedication, and passion for every kind of act. At the tender age of seven-eight, His Holiness was adroit and dexterous in driving the tractor for agricultural purposes in fields and ranches. He would repose only after finishing the work he had started. The same zeal still oozes out from his divine personality even today.

These lines were excerpted from my role model Saint Dr. Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji Insaan’s website. If your profile is half as good as his, you can not only find a job but can be the President of this country while residing in Mars.

I believe, you wouldn’t require my help in filling the ‘work experience’, ‘education’, ‘skills’, ‘accomplishments’ and ‘interests’ sections.

I wish you all the best to secure a good job in a well-established organisation with sumptuous canteen food and a highly efficient Human Resource Department.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay. Bye.

Fidget spinners and childhood stupidity

You know, sometimes you have this sudden pang about the lost days of sweet, innocent childhood -- when  your mom fed you, when your dad tied your shoelaces, when you eagerly awaited Sunday afternoons for Shaktimaan, when Harsha Bhogle looked older and bald, when you randomly roamed about the house and meddled with your elder brother’s drawer and found his secret mobile phone and asked him what it was and when he told you it was a dangerous insect, you ran out of his room screaming and didn’t go there for another four days and the fifth day you entered reluctantly wearing sacred ash on your forehead and clutching a big broomstick ?

Ah, yes, the good old days! You wish you can be a child again, no?

No.

Childhood, I tell you boss, was nonsense. You believed everything that adults told you without ever questioning anything. Like the existence of God, the possibility of him poking your eyes if you spoke lies, the threat of one shady fellow coming to get you if you didn’t eat cabbage and the promise that Hrishikesh Kanitkar will help India chase down Australia’s 250-plus target after Sachin got out.

(Okay, the last bit was just added chumma: usually after Sachin’s dismissal, dad immediately switched off the TV, mildly complained about the dinner, advised me on how I must not waste time on this useless game and instead focus on studies and went to sleep.)

Anyway, once when I was returning from a neighbourhood shop after buying spinach (yuck!), curry leaves, and a piece of ginger that ammamma asked to get, I saw this old man blowing a vuvuzela-type instrument and carrying on his right shoulder a three feet bamboo with a chunk of white-pink confectionary on top. There were a lot of excited children huddled around him but only one or two had money for a purchase. On seeing me gaping at him from outside the huddle, the genial old man called me, took my hand, plucked some of the soft, elastic sweet, stuck it around my wrist like a watch and smiled at me. Seconds later, he took the twenty-five rupees from my hand, waved at me with a smile and hurriedly left. Trust me, dear readers, colourful confectioneries coupled with a vuvuzela-type instrument is the easiest way to lure children. You can check for yourself if you don’t believe me (albeit with the risk of being arrested on charges of pedophelia).

When I narrated the incident to ammamma, she was silent for a few seconds, and then reacted like Shobana in Manichitrathaazhu when Suresh Gopi asks her not to go jewellery shopping. She told me how even Boobesh, the seven-year-old neighbourhood kid (I was nine, then), was smarter than me. I immediately disagreed, saying, I was the one who told him that Pedigree can be eaten by humans as well. This made her quiet again for a few seconds. Then she called me an idiot and proceeded to make evening tea.

Seven years after the incident…

I realised I was cheated by that old man.

Eight years after the realisation…

Fidget spinners.

BLOODY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU GUYS WHO ARE GETTING IT FOR HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS AND MORE?

If you have black money, to which demonetisation could do nothing, then, spend it on something more useful like good books or food or clothes or other things, no? Or, if you want to just throw it all away, then make big bets on Delhi Daredevils winning the next IPL.

Why fidget spinners? They are like those bedbug killing machines that Vadivelu sells for Rs. 100 apiece in a comedy scene.

While fidget spinners’ efficacy in helping ADHD and other mental illness is still being tested, few of you are like “Boss, you know ah? They are therapeutic and calm your mind. You can also play catch and catch with them.” This is also acceptable. But some fellows are drilling holes into their i-Phones so that they can turn them into fidget spinners. Idiots.

Wish ammamma was still there to facepalm with me.

P.S. About Pedigree, I think nothing will happen if you have a little. But if you’re planning to make biriyani with it, you might have to check with the FDA or FSSAI or whoever.

Story of La La Land

La La Land's an Oscar movie. It has already fetched a record 14 Academy Award nominations. Critics are raving about it. And, we, of course, have to watch it to show-off on social media that we also watch internationally acclaimed movies. But the thing with these movies is that they're mostly too slow. So, we are compelled to watch them when we actually want to rewatch Theri or Dabangg 2. See, I have watched La La Land. If you don't want to, don't watch it. I will tell you the story and you can still tell people you've watched it.

Here's what happens in the film:-

It starts with a traffic jam at Adyar bridge caused perhaps by a mid-road quarrel between one Swift Dzire fellow and a Bajaj Avenger fellow. A lady, in her beautiful, bright yellow dress, is bugged, sitting inside her Alto 800. She hears oho megam vandhadho in Suriyan FM and starts dancing outside her car. Fellow commuters, many who worked during the 2015 floods and Vardah, join her, grasping the chance to delay office.

Mia, with lofty ambitions of starring in a Tamil serial (preferably Saravanan Meenatchi), is in her car, rehearsing lines for an audition with Raj TV.

Sebastian, an aspiring harmonium player, is in his car, once owned by glamour queen Soppana Sundari, listening to Ilaiyaraja numbers.

Meanwhile, the song and dance end and Sebastian wants to go to his small 1BHK apartment in Thiruvanmiyur. But he finds Mia blocking his way, so he honks loudly at her car. Mia, still practising her lines, gets pissed off and shows him the finger.

As is the case in over 2,862 Tamil movies, the hero and heroine, despite fighting on their first meeting, fall in love.

Mia, who works at Phoenix Mall Starbucks, when walking back home after Ladies' Night in 10D, hears a beautiful harmonium sound from a posh South Indian restaurant. She enters and spots a guy creating a ruckus for not having gotten a Ghee Roast, which he ordered 45 minutes ago. Then she sees Sebastian, who's getting fired by the hotel manager for making unnecessary impros when he was asked to play Raghupati Raghava Raja Ram. Mia walks towards him to praise his composition, but a fuming Sebastian walks past her. She's taken aback.

Then they meet at a party near St. Thomas Mount. Sebastian, desperate for money and an opportunity, is with a local band that plays gaana songs. When the band leader asks the audience for song requests, Mia wants them to perform Aaluma Doluma, to irritate Sebastian. He remembers her instantly. After the party, he acknowledges that he was rude to her at the restaurant.

That evening, when the stars shine brightly above the scenic St. Thomas Mount,  they have a cute banter and dance, singing Vennilave Vennilave despite him knowing that she already has a boyfriend.

The next day, he asks her to watch Aayirathil Oruvan with him at Pilot Theatre. She immediately accepts. When she's getting ready for the movie, her boyfriend shows up for a scheduled double date with his brother at ITC Grand Chola. Mia reluctantly joins them. They drone about stocks, shares and mutual funds. So, she runs away and joins Sebastian at the movie. Within a few minutes, they hold hands. They look at each other and go for a kiss. When their lips are just centimetres apart, the ADMK ad starts playing.

Next, they break into Birla Planetarium in Kotturpuram for a song and dance sequence after which they finally kiss.

By now, Sebastian convinces her to write her own play while he performs in marriages, Krishna Jayanthi concert, Vinayagar Chathurthi function, All India Radio et al. During one of his performances in Nanganallur Hanuman temple, he meets his PSBB classmate Keith, who asks him to join his Carnatic fusion band. Sebastian, who isn't very fond of Carnatic fusion or Keith, doesn't give him an answer. He also aspires to set up a South Indian restaurant that plays katcheri. Mia even suggests a name for it: Sebapathy's. But after overhearing Mia desperately convincing her parents in Coimbatore that Sebastian will soon become financially stable, he decides to join Keith's band The Mersal Brothers.

Mia, during one of The Mersal Brothers' performances in The Music Academy, figures out that Sebastian doesn't like what he's doing. But he continues touring with them to Trichy, Coimbatore, Madurai and other happening places.

On Mia's birthday, Sebastian surprises her, showing up at home and making  Brinjal rice and medhu vadai for dinner. But an argument arises while they eat. He confesses her that he's in Keith's band because of her, because he thought it was what she wanted of him. He also blames her for liking him only when he was unsuccessful. She walks out angry and drives off to her place in Pondicherry. Sebastian is left staring at the Onion Uthappam, fully burnt because he forgot to turn off the stove.

Next day, Sebastian receives a call from Sun TV asking Mia for an audition. He drives to her place, convinces her to go for the audition. In the audition, she's asked to narrate a story. But she sings ovvoru pookalume and impresses the casting directors.

The serial, however, will be shot in Bangalore for the next five years. Sebastian asks her to focus on that and tells her that he would work on setting up his South Indian restaurant that plays katcheri. Realising that their careers are incompatible with their relationship, they break up.

Five years later: Mia's the lead actress in three serials (two in Vijay TV and one in Sun TV). She's married her co-star and is back in Chennai during December to witness a katcheri. On the way, they get stuck in traffic near Adyar bridge. So they decide to have lunch in a South Indian hotel near Ambica Aplam signal. As they enter a new restaurant, she reads its name: Sebapathy's.

Sebastian spots Mia in the crowd and plays a Harmonium solo, which only she's heard before. With the crowd half-asleep, Mia's husband asks her if she really wants to eat here listening to this music. Mia smiles and says no. Then, as they make their way to Sangeeta's, Mia and Sebastian look at each other and share a smile.

Kuch bhi

In school, I have often stood out from my peers. Especially during Biology hours in seventh standard. I'd be outside class, often alone, kneeling down with my unfinished homework, gawking at those in the playground, while my classmates suffered Sasikala ma'am. "Studentssss," she would hiss, "crocodilesss belong to the genusss Crocodylusss. They live in riversss, lakesss and swampsss.."

My relationship with her wasn't very cordial. According to her, I was "slower than an amoeba", "disinterested", "buffalo" and "uselessss". And, I preferred to be in a swamp of crocodiles than in her class.

Once I was made the class monitor to my own bewilderment. Sasikala ma'am was quick to attack. "You're uselessss," she told me, "Who made you monitor? It'ss the worst decision ever."

Hearing those words, my blood boiled, eyes reddened, veins popped out.

That day I vowed to top her class at least once.

Innumerable weekly tests, some six monthly tests, quarterly, half-yearly and an annual exam later, I... Never mind, why get into all that now?

But I am happy that Sasikala ma'am has been proven wrong after a decade. Making me class monitor isn't the worst decision anymore. A section of humanity did something far worse last week.

Ammama had listed many horrible things that she believed will happen in Kali Yuga. But nothing quite like this:

US's equivalent of Vijayakanth becoming Prime Minister

Since anyone can become anything now, I want certain people to hold certain posts in India.

Kala Master as Chief Justice of India

If not her, who else? Ardent fans of Maanada Mayilaada will agree there isn't a better judge than Kala Master. For over 49 seasons and 9000 episodes, she's been meticulous in her observation of footwork, costumes, and expressions of dancers. It's hard to hoodwink her ever vigilant eyes. An honest performance would tear her up. Anything less, she would tear it apart. Countless dancers, who earned her blessings, have advanced to the next of the 768 rounds in a particular season. Those who couldn't, had to go through some 19 elimination rounds to reach the final. Indian judiciary is in need of this astute judge.

Sant Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji Insaan as National Institute of Fashion Technology head

It's evident from MSG: The Warrior Lion Heart trailer that Guruji is humanity's future. He is, as his website accurately points out: an extraordinary polymath: a superb medic, sportsman par excellence, multingual orator, automobile engineer, expert agriculturist, anti-corruption crusader, global warming mitigator, anti-discrimination leader, karmyogi, gyanyogi among other things.

The movie per se is a masterpiece that's beyond plebeian knowledge.

Orson who?

When marauding aliens try to conquer our planet with cataclysmic weapons, Guruji stops them with his technology and fashion.

Guruji's killer looks

A few friends as news editors

Mainstream media is largely obscure, sold out and prejudiced beyond redemption. In this frantically-paced postmodern world, who has the time to follow news anyway? Thanks to those who unveil truth and enlighten us through daily WhatsApp forwards and regular social media updates.

I was, for instance, not entirely convinced about the government's decision to replace 500 and 1000 rupee notes with 2000-rupee notes until I read this WhatsApp message:

I will be testing it by tearing my only 2000-rupee note in a short while (I've already taken a selfie with it). But I am certain of the message's veracity, for it's rich in detail, talks about sciency things like satellite, coordinates, and signals and, most importantly, it has the words "according to experts", which is the ultimate evidence of truth. I forwarded this eye-opener to others who are as ignorant as I am.