Disclaimer (Yes yes. I always have something to say before I actually say something): See, this post should be ideally titled 'Rage against attending marriage' because it is mostly about my personal adventures (mostly misadventures) in marriages... I mean, in attending marriages. But since I am this big fan of T Rajendhar and believe that "rhyme is not crime", the title is rhyming and catchier. Hope you caught it.
So, "why do you hate attending marriages?" you ask. What? You don't ask? Who cares? I will tell anyways.
Like coins and my answer scripts, attending marriages also have two sides to it: a good side and bad side (except that in my answer scripts both the sides are bad). First let me tell you what's good about attending marriages. One: it is a great tradition where we traditionally get to see girls wear traditional costumes. And, of course, the free food.
But the good things are always rare to find, isn't it? The ratio of pretty girls to the non pretty ones is... er... never mind, I am pretty weak in math. But you get the point, right? And the food, well, if you look at it economically, it is just a compensation to the compliment that you give the couple, depending on what you give the couple and what (and most importantly, HOW much) you eat.
On the other hand, bad things come in plenty... like marriage invitations.
At least in exams, I have some idea about at least one question out of ten. But I am clueless about these invitations we get every other week. Almost 90% of the invitations I get are in Tamil and man, there is simply too many details in them... I don't even write that much details even in my detail answers. I mean, who wants to know the great-granddad of the bride and the groom when you don't even know the bride and groom?
And what's with flaunting all the educational qualification? The only thing that's missing is the number of stars that they got from Usha miss in UKG.
After receiving all the invitations, people at home will decide which marriage to attend based on various parameters like 'closeness of the relative', 'closeness of the venue', etc. At least that is one sensible thing they do at home. You can't oblige each and every invitation that you receive, no? And some of them give invitations for marriages that takes place near the fifth moon of Jupiter or something. "Kangeya Kaliappa Kounder Mandapam, Kandampalayam" it seems. Kandam ah? Seriously? They expect me to come there? I mean, I won't go there even if my marriage is taking place there.
If there's something that I hate than attending marriages it is attending marriages that has flexboards. Why in the name of all the lords (including Lord Mountbatten) do you keep flex boards? You already tell us that you are marrying off your son or daughter and give one invitation. What's the use of flex boards there? I mean, it is okay if you are planning to sell the groom's Raymond coat and Ramraj silk shirt, Ramraj dhoti and Ramraj underwears for discount prices after the ceremony gets over. It will at least serve as a public notice then. But you will only put pictures of the bride and groom standing under the Niagara. Now, wouldn't they get drowned if they stay under the Niagara. Boss, what exactly are you trying to symbolically imply here?
And not to mention these annoying aunties who keep telling my mom "your son has grown up so much." I mean, is she making a sarcastic remark about my height or something? "Aunty even you have grown wide so much." And why do they keep asking about my education? "Oh, you know Balaji's uncle's daughter's neighbour's cousin's son studied there four years back," they will tell my mom. "Who the F is Balaji? And four years back? Seriously? And 'son'? Not a female? Why the hell should I care then?"
Just when I peek at one good looking girl, one annoying guy will come and pester us to eat as if someone had kidnapped his daughter and he would release her only if he made sure everyone had dinner.
At the dinner hall: No complaints.
Man, but getting married is one serious affair. What? No no, not 'that' affair. Don't think in double-meaning always. I mean, it's not cool. It is rather hot and stuffy. Even if the weather is hotter than the sun, they will put one coat to the groom and drape the bride with a silk saree that will shield her from nuclear explosions. But there is something more harmful than nuclear explosions: camera-lights. If the sun can kill germs in a human means, the camera lights can kill the human itself. And who do these camera people think they are? Holding one mokka video camera, they will put scene like as if they are shooting scenes for James Cameron.
But yes. There will be so many 'avatars' awaiting to take obligatory presentation photographs with the couple. And the couple is supposed to know each and every member of the 'presentation ceremony' or some elder people should stand next to them and prompt them (I mean, in cricket matches itself I outrage when they introduce some random fellows in the presentation). Once what happened means, there was this presentation ceremony going on, and one fellow came on the stage to gift the couple. And both of them looked at each other for introducing the person. Poor fellow! he would've felt how Kamal Haasan felt in that Moondraam Pirai climax scene. It is an awkward situation for everyone, boss.
Okay. Enough said. But wait. It is not enough for them. Only the reception is over. Marriage usually happens the following daybreak. And, for the couple, another headbreak. Boss, okay, I agree that Man is from Mars; Woman is from Venus and all; but keep the marriage in earthly hours, no? Morning 4'o clock itself if you start the proceedings means, how will they be active during the first nig... oops sorry, this is a family friendly blog; how family happens and all I can't tell here. I want 'U' certificate.
Forget the couple, why should I wake up at that time and go and wish them a prosperous life ahead. I have a life of my own and I want sleep properly in that. Honestly speaking, haven't been to a lot of muhurthams (mainly because of the fear that idlis and dosas will get over and I will get only upma). So, I am stopping here itself.
Poda, you can't have my esteemed presence.
So, "why do you hate attending marriages?" you ask. What? You don't ask? Who cares? I will tell anyways.
Like coins and my answer scripts, attending marriages also have two sides to it: a good side and bad side (except that in my answer scripts both the sides are bad). First let me tell you what's good about attending marriages. One: it is a great tradition where we traditionally get to see girls wear traditional costumes. And, of course, the free food.
But the good things are always rare to find, isn't it? The ratio of pretty girls to the non pretty ones is... er... never mind, I am pretty weak in math. But you get the point, right? And the food, well, if you look at it economically, it is just a compensation to the compliment that you give the couple, depending on what you give the couple and what (and most importantly, HOW much) you eat.
On the other hand, bad things come in plenty... like marriage invitations.
At least in exams, I have some idea about at least one question out of ten. But I am clueless about these invitations we get every other week. Almost 90% of the invitations I get are in Tamil and man, there is simply too many details in them... I don't even write that much details even in my detail answers. I mean, who wants to know the great-granddad of the bride and the groom when you don't even know the bride and groom?
And what's with flaunting all the educational qualification? The only thing that's missing is the number of stars that they got from Usha miss in UKG.
After receiving all the invitations, people at home will decide which marriage to attend based on various parameters like 'closeness of the relative', 'closeness of the venue', etc. At least that is one sensible thing they do at home. You can't oblige each and every invitation that you receive, no? And some of them give invitations for marriages that takes place near the fifth moon of Jupiter or something. "Kangeya Kaliappa Kounder Mandapam, Kandampalayam" it seems. Kandam ah? Seriously? They expect me to come there? I mean, I won't go there even if my marriage is taking place there.
If there's something that I hate than attending marriages it is attending marriages that has flexboards. Why in the name of all the lords (including Lord Mountbatten) do you keep flex boards? You already tell us that you are marrying off your son or daughter and give one invitation. What's the use of flex boards there? I mean, it is okay if you are planning to sell the groom's Raymond coat and Ramraj silk shirt, Ramraj dhoti and Ramraj underwears for discount prices after the ceremony gets over. It will at least serve as a public notice then. But you will only put pictures of the bride and groom standing under the Niagara. Now, wouldn't they get drowned if they stay under the Niagara. Boss, what exactly are you trying to symbolically imply here?
And not to mention these annoying aunties who keep telling my mom "your son has grown up so much." I mean, is she making a sarcastic remark about my height or something? "Aunty even you have grown wide so much." And why do they keep asking about my education? "Oh, you know Balaji's uncle's daughter's neighbour's cousin's son studied there four years back," they will tell my mom. "Who the F is Balaji? And four years back? Seriously? And 'son'? Not a female? Why the hell should I care then?"
Just when I peek at one good looking girl, one annoying guy will come and pester us to eat as if someone had kidnapped his daughter and he would release her only if he made sure everyone had dinner.
At the dinner hall: No complaints.
Man, but getting married is one serious affair. What? No no, not 'that' affair. Don't think in double-meaning always. I mean, it's not cool. It is rather hot and stuffy. Even if the weather is hotter than the sun, they will put one coat to the groom and drape the bride with a silk saree that will shield her from nuclear explosions. But there is something more harmful than nuclear explosions: camera-lights. If the sun can kill germs in a human means, the camera lights can kill the human itself. And who do these camera people think they are? Holding one mokka video camera, they will put scene like as if they are shooting scenes for James Cameron.
But yes. There will be so many 'avatars' awaiting to take obligatory presentation photographs with the couple. And the couple is supposed to know each and every member of the 'presentation ceremony' or some elder people should stand next to them and prompt them (I mean, in cricket matches itself I outrage when they introduce some random fellows in the presentation). Once what happened means, there was this presentation ceremony going on, and one fellow came on the stage to gift the couple. And both of them looked at each other for introducing the person. Poor fellow! he would've felt how Kamal Haasan felt in that Moondraam Pirai climax scene. It is an awkward situation for everyone, boss.
Okay. Enough said. But wait. It is not enough for them. Only the reception is over. Marriage usually happens the following daybreak. And, for the couple, another headbreak. Boss, okay, I agree that Man is from Mars; Woman is from Venus and all; but keep the marriage in earthly hours, no? Morning 4'o clock itself if you start the proceedings means, how will they be active during the first nig... oops sorry, this is a family friendly blog; how family happens and all I can't tell here. I want 'U' certificate.
Forget the couple, why should I wake up at that time and go and wish them a prosperous life ahead. I have a life of my own and I want sleep properly in that. Honestly speaking, haven't been to a lot of muhurthams (mainly because of the fear that idlis and dosas will get over and I will get only upma). So, I am stopping here itself.
Poda, you can't have my esteemed presence.
Absolutely hilarious! Couldn't agree with you more, especially about your answer scripts!
ReplyDeleteYou know, sometimes invitations are sent out because 'Oh, they invited us for their son's wedding, and how rude will it be if we don't return the favour"!!!
Haha. Thanks, ma'am. :)
DeleteHaha ! :D I Love The Clever Word Play :D
ReplyDeleteYou Remind Me Very Much Of Kris Ashok !
Keep Writing :D
Krish Ashok is legendary stuff. But thanks, anyways.
DeleteGood writing. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks. :)
Delete