Chennai 2075

The world is a completely different place now.

Recap

North Korea’s infamous defeat to Afghanistan by an innings and 323 runs in the Kim Jong Wrong ‘Un Trophy of 2025 triggered a Nuclear War that reduced one-fourth of the planet to ashes. Jong Un wanted the Test series to be called The Ashes. When he was told that there already was an existing Ashes test series, it naturally led to another nuclear war that destroyed another fourth of the planet (TOI carried a headline that said ‘HALF-BOILED’). And, his anger could be pacified only when the Indian test team travelled to North Korea and lost the 7-match series, 7-0 (we, however, won the ODIs convincingly).

Chennai, meanwhile, reacted in its typical way. Lakshmi Narayanan from Mylapore wrote a scathing letter to The Hindu expressing “deep disappointments over the grave spelling and grammatical errors” in their report on the explosions that destroyed the whole of Sub-Saharan Africa.

Chennai, now

It is not called Chennai anymore. One of the former Chief Ministers, in her last tenure, changed the name into Amma Nagaram (Amma City). All the roads in the city are called Amma Salai (except Anna Salai). The beaches in the city are called Amma Kadarkarai (Mother Seashore). The parks in the city are called… you get the picture. She also introduced a free fertility treatment programme for women called Amma Amma Akudhal Thittam (Amma Making Mother Scheme). It was later implemented for men and was called… yeah, Amma Appa Aakudhal Thittam (Amma Making Father Scheme).

Some of the already overhyped cafes in the city are now hyper-hyped to a level that there is a Death Match to go and have coffee there. There is an active participation for these Death Matches and it is universally covered by the mainstream media except for the ones that say ludicrous things like “ethics”, “role of the media in development of the society”, etc. They cover pointless, morbid issues like the lack of personnel in the defense. The government is planning to ban these organizations citing reasons of treason and terrorism. However, there are people, young and old, who still believe they can stir a revolt against the gross injustice. The older ones, like Lakshmi Narayanan, write letters to the editor of The Hindu and the young ones, who believe Lakshmi Narayanan's methods are archaic and futile, create pages and hashtags on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

(Read till the end to see how Cooum looks now. Don't scroll down.)

The city’s transport, Amma Pokuvarathu (Amma Transport) has evolved from MTC buses to bullet trains and hovercrafts. But some of the citizens, especially the youth, board the bullet trains only after it starts to move (at 200 km/h). Also, it would be sinful not to mention the endearing tradition of expressing love in these modes of transport: Ravi loves Shalini. Rahul loves Rohini. Michael loves Pooja. If love is in the air; then it should also be in the seats and walls of bullet trains. In fact, 23 years ago, some of the MTC buses and the MRTS trains were declared by UNESCO as World Heritage Sites and called them ‘Vehicles of Valentine’.

Another tradition of people going ‘I-am-going-to-risk-my-life-by-climbing-a-100-feet-banner-to-pour-milk-so-that-I-can-prove-my-fandom’ crazy over movie stars continues in the city. But since milk prices have soared higher than the 100-foot banner, they now travel to the suburbs to steal milk from cattle farms. Few days ago, a 25-year old man joined the Amma Appa Aakudhal Thittam fertility programme after a cow kicked him precisely below his abdomen after he tried to do something below its abdomen.

Speaking of movies, the city’s movie screening technology is on par with the best in the world. And, the ticket prices here have been the cheapest in the world for the past two decades. But people going to Phoenix mall in Velachery for a movie now have to sell their ancestral lands to pay for the parking. If they opt for auto-rickshaws, then they will have to sell their kidneys along with their ancestral lands.

It is also worth mentioning that India became a poverty-free nation, five decades ago. The Finance Minister, with a stroke of genius [wish he actually had a stroke], lowered the poverty line to 2 rupees per day.

The nuclear explosions have changed the climatic conditions all over the world. Chennai now enjoys a moderate climate with breezy summers, pleasant monsoons and chilly winters. For the past 5 years it even snows during Christmas, with the kids in Kapaleeshwar making snowme… HAHAHAHAHA. Who am I kidding? Snow? In Chennai? It will take more than nuclear explosions for that to happen. But people are happy because Bangalore is now hotter than Chennai.

The world now faces acute shortage of plastics as, for reasons unknown, the explosions have extinguished plastic all over the world… except at Marina Beach. Scientists say that the plastic from Marina Beach, in the form of food wrappers, can be recycled and used for another 23 centuries.

Chennai Super Kings, the cricket franchise that is now richer than the African continent, continues to dominate the IPL even as it fights a ban for the past 90 years. The franchise, started by former Indian President (who also served as the World Bank President, UN Secretary General, the American President, NASA chief and many other top-most posts) N. Srinivasan, won a record 23 consecutive titles until last year when Rajasthan Royals stopped the juggernaut. However, there are match-fixing allegations against Rajasthan Royals, which, if proved true, will make Chennai the winners.

The world is a completely different place now. Except Chennai. It is too cool (or hot?) for change.

"Cooum River" by Peter Fristedt - http://www.flickr.com/photos/fristedt/360898924/sizes/o/. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cooum_River.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Cooum_River.jpg

(You scrolled down, didn't you? Bloody.)